The Sunday Times
09 July 2006
It has to be the ultimate in whistle-stop tourism: Claire Sawers climbed aboard a day-long coach tour of Scotland’s historical and cultural treasures to find that there’s more to enjoy than tartan tat - not least, Monty Python’s Holy Grail
Every morning, at about 7.30, a queue of tourists snakes its way down the Royal Mile. In rain, sun or howling gales they wait patiently for the arrival of a coach that will whisk them off on a 12-hour road trip around Scotland.
Last week I joined them to discover whether Scotland’s attractions can really be crammed into one marathon sightseeing session.
I found a youthful-looking crowd of budget backpackers and families on tour, who had come from Malaysia, China, Mexico, America, Australia, Ireland and England. Most were in Scotland for no more than a couple of days and had chosen the coach trip as a way of ticking “must-see” boxes.
As we pulled away from the kerb through a thick Edinburgh haar, I noticed all the seats were occupied. Peter Hughes, our guide, told me this trip sold out every day.
“A lot of people who come on the tour are only in Scotland for one day,” said Hughes, with a barely disguised curl of his lip. “They take the full-day trip, then get off the bus and go straight off to board another bus for London. It’s certainly not my idea of fun.”
Hughes was not the sort for overblown displays of enthusiasm. Despite an encyclopedic knowledge of local history, his humour, as we discovered over the next 12 hours or so, was that uniquely Scottish sort: deadpan, cheerless and full of cynical asides.
“If you have any questions during the trip, I suggest you keep them to yourselves,” he began, drily. It was a chilly welcome for our foreign friends, but they seemed to enjoy his approach.
We inched our way out of the morning rush-hour traffic, then hit the motorway on our way towards Falkirk and Stirling. Dozing passengers perked up as we approached Stirling Castle, perched high above a foggy Bannockburn, and the cameras started clicking as the monument slid by.
After 90 minutes we were ready for our first pit stop at Kilmahog, and the chance to sample the coronary-inducing delights of a full Scottish breakfast.
Rob Barravecchio, from Long Island, New York, was already chuffed with his morning’s sightseeing, as a few minutes earlier he had spotted Doune Castle.
“I am a huge fan of Monty Python and the Holy Grail - I’ve been wanting to visit Doune Castle for such a long time,” he said. The 31-year-old was taking a few months out to backpack around Europe and would be making a special pilgrimage back to Doune Castle tomorrow. “I really wanna get my picture taken running up the stone steps with a sword.”
We headed to our first outdoor photo opportunity at Glencoe. The weather was uncharacteristically co-operative, and blue skies appeared on cue as we got out at the foot of the Three Sisters mountains. A young couple from Dubai handed over their newborn son to a man in full Braveheart regalia, and grinned as they snapped their child snuggling into his tartan shawl. Japanese girls gave the peace sign for digital cameras and an Aussie couple bought replica Rob Roy swords from a roadside stall.
Ushered back on the coach by a foot-tapping Hughes - who had a timetable to meet - we set off again, passing boulevards of pink rhododendrons, sparkling millpond lochs and the picture-postcard rail bridges of the West Highland Way. The pace was frantic, covering 400 miles in a day, but the mood in the bus remained calm. The moving wallpaper outside was breathtaking and the passengers seemed impressed.
Jean Ong had made a long journey from Malacca, western Malaysia, and was delighted with what she had seen. “This is even better than I imagined,” she said.
Rajeswary Sivakumarar, from Dubai, now living in Surrey, came on the coach tour because hiring a car seemed like too much hassle. “I’m with friends from Dubai. They wanted to see as much as possible of Scotland before setting off for Paris tomorrow,” she said.
While Scots head to the beaches of Dubai, her friends opted for Scotland as their honeymoon destination. “They find the Scots so polite compared to Londoners.”
Racing towards Loch Ness, Hughes continued his monotonous stand-up routine with an age-old joke. “Whoever spots the pedigree haggis first wins a bottle of malt whisky. You’ll recognise them from their two short legs on the left-hand side. It helps them run around the hillside.”
As the mysterious loch flashed into view I turned in my seat to watch my fellow passengers’ reactions. I was greeted by a sea of open mouths. But they were not awestruck, just sleeping. The relentless pace seemed to have taken its toll. Rubbing the sleep from their eyes, they clambered off the coach again to play on the ramparts of Urquhart Castle.
Barravecchio looked at me like I’d grown two Nessie humps when I confessed I had never visited the castle before. “Huh? That’s like friends of mine who’ve never been to Manhattan! People always ignore the best stuff when it’s right there on your doorstep.”
It was time for a sail down Loch Ness on board the Jacobite Rose. Naturally, the tourists had their fingers crossed for a monster sighting, but Nessie was a no-show.
Back on the coach we began the journey south to Edinburgh. As evening drew in I was dead beat, but, contrary to my expectations, I had enjoyed relaxing in my seat, watching some of the country’s most famous sights fly by and learning more about them from Hughes’s informative if sardonic commentary.
Yes, the sight of naff tartan fleeces and frilly tourist tat on sale at the pit stops did make me cringe. And the bagpipe and fiddle music on the tape deck in the coach had me looking for the emergency exits. The roadside meals may have been uniformly uninspiring and overpriced — at £3.50 for a thimble-sized bowl of chips in Pitlochry it was worth a souvenir photo for comedy’s sake — but for majestic, sweeping countryside and fairy-tale castle ruins, Scotland never failed to impress.
Aracely Guzman and Jesus Agnesi, aged 20 and 23, from Mexico, were tired but happy after their do-it-all day. When the bus pulled into Waverley Bridge they headed back to their B&B and looked at their photos. “My favourite stop was Urquhart Castle,” said Guzman. “It was really special.”
“But the weather here is too changeable,” said Agnesi. “You never know what clothes to wear!” As the coach passengers gathered plastic bags full of souvenirs and stretched their legs, Hughes sent them off with a typically ebullient farewell. “Hope you all enjoyed your whirlwind tour of Scotland,” he said. “If you’ve enjoyed the trip, my name is Peter. If not, it’s Donald.”
The Loch Ness Adventure is run by Scotline Tours in Edinburgh. For more info call 0131 557 0162 or visit scotlinetours.co.uk
Read the original article in the Sunday Times here.